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WHAT YOU FEED, GROWS |
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Written by Dr. Joel Wade
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Friday, 24 June 2005 |
Freud was famous for his “hydraulic” theories of human nature and motivation, where different instinctual forces build up and are released or sublimated, just like the pressures in a tire pump. With the advent of computers, we have models of human nature, motivation and change using analogous terms, such as “Neuro-linguistic Programming”.
Since we are neither tire pumps nor computers, I think we can get closer to the truth of things by speaking and understanding ourselves in terms that fit what we actually are: living human beings.
When you feed a living thing, it grows; when you don’t feed it, it withers.
I find that this holds true for the emotional and cognitive processes within each of us as well.
When you have a desire, a feeling, a thought, a notion, that is harmful in some way to you or others, don’t feed it. If you find a disturbing sexual fantasy crosses your mind’s path, don’t worry - lots of thoughts, feelings, and ideas cross our mind’s path. But don’t feed it, either.
If you are devoted to your wife and family, and you find that you are feeling drawn to look at some woman at work, and to think about her, and to imagine what it might be like…. DON’T. Allow the initial thought to breeze through. No need to feel guilty or ashamed or worry deep worries over a thought or feeling breezing through. But don’t grab hold of it, either. Don’t dwell on it.
Don’t take it in and feed it like a stray pet. Because if you do, it will stay. And it will grow.
This distinction between passing thoughts or feelings on the one hand, and what you choose to allow to continue internally on the other hand, is crucial.
You might get angry and have a feeling of wanting to physically hurt a person in your life, but that feeling is not a problem. If you were to dwell on that feeling, think over and over about how awful it was what this person did or said, indulge in violent fantasies (perhaps in the name of “letting off steam” - that old tire pump idea again), or in some other way “feed” those thoughts or feelings, then what will happen is that all of those things will grow.
Remember, we are not steam engines, we are not computers, we are living, conscious human beings. If you indulge feelings, they intensify; if you ruminate on negative thoughts, you will have more of them with greater intensity.
Conversely, if you indulge in your positive feelings - love, gratitude, forgiveness, joy, excitement, curiosity, courage, optimism, hope, delight - these feelings will grow.
Think of your life as a garden, or an orchard. What living things do you want to nurture, care for, attend to, encourage? You may have to deal in your life with a lot of things you would rather not. You may have had a difficult history that makes it challenging to look at life with deep optimism. You may be in the midst of hard times. Even still, you do have a choice in what you dwell on, fantasize about, and think about.
Feed those elements of your inner life that you want to grow. Don’t feed what hurts you or others. This is my gardening tip for the week.
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