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THE WORLD BOGRAKAB CUP |
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Written by Dr. Jack Wheeler
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Wednesday, 07 June 2006 |
For at least a quarter-century now, I've been hearing the
same mantra from soccer enthusiasts:
"Every little kid in America plays soccer. When they grow up, soccer will be more popular than football or
baseball."
This hasn't happened and never will happen. Kids love to run around and kick a
ball. Watching grown-ups do it has all
the drama of watching paint dry.
A majority of Americans will not pay much attention to the
World Cup this month while the rest of the world goes bananas about it because
"soccer" should really be named "bograkab" -
bunch-of-guys-running-around-kicking-a-ball.
Here's a synopsis of most every period of most every
professional soccer game ever played:
Run around kick a ball, run around kick a ball, run around
kick a ball, run around kick a ball, run around kick a ball - never score.
Run around kick a ball, run around kick a ball, run around
kick a ball, run around kick a ball, run around kick a ball - never score.
Run around kick a ball, run around kick a ball, run around
kick a ball, run around kick a ball, run around kick a ball - never score.
It doesn't get more exciting in sports than this. Except for curling.
So - now that I have all soccer fans totally enraged
(something that's very easy to do, by the way), let's talk for real about why
soccer will never be a competitor to football or baseball or basketball for the
hearts of American sports fans.
Bograkab, for Americans, has no drama. I know that bograkab, sorry, soccer, oh,
sorry again, futbol, aficionados will vehemently deny this and say this
just shows no understanding of how galactically dramatic the game truly is.
Yet all this denial shows is a fundamental lack of
understanding of the American sports fan's concept of drama.
Not the sports fan of any other culture. Not all those cultures filled with folks for
whom bograkab is the ultimate in drama.
The American sports fan.
Remember, we're talking about America, here, not some other place.
The drama that appeals to Americans has to involve a certain
kind of pace. It has to have
periods of intense action followed by periods of rest where one can think,
analyze, and anticipate what will happen in the next period of action.
Football - American football, college and professional - is
an ultimate expression of this. There
is a play with incredibly complex athletic choreography. Then there is a huddle where the players
plan the next play while the fans get time to think about it: "It's third and long - they've got to pass,"
etc. The drama builds. What will happen? When the next play explodes with action, the fan gets to think
again, comparing his analysis to what took place.
Baseball has the same pace and drama, albeit slower. Thus baseball can be agonizingly boring on
television. Baseball has a human
dimension that can only be appreciated in person, at the game, in the stands,
where the excitement and drama are palpable, are physically felt. You can't feel that through the TV. You have to be there.
Basketball does not have this pace and drama. It makes up for it by high scoring. Try to imagine how exciting a basketball
game would be in which each team scored one or two baskets for the whole game. Basketball games over which fans got
deliriously excited because the teams scored four or five baskets in
total. Think you'd be glued to the TV
watching?
Now let's imagine a basketball game not in a small
auditorium with the fans up close and looking right down on the players, but in
an immense stadium with the crowd far away.
How exciting would it be to watch, preferably with binoculars, the
players going up and down the court rarely if ever scoring a basket?
Run around bounce the ball, run around bounce the ball,
round around bounce the ball - never score.
Wow - that would almost be as exciting as... bograkab. An endless pointless frenzy with little or
no payoff.
So, I make no apologies as an American in thinking bograkab
is stupefyingly boring to watch and will not be interested in the outcome of
the World Cup. We can wish the rest of
the world well and happy viewing. Have
fun and enjoy the games. Just leave us
alone while you're having so much fun.
And if your fun turns in to riotous rage and bloodshed,
don't bother blaming America. We're not
interested.
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