|
CHILDISH LIBERAL ANGER |
|
|
|
Written by Dr. Joel Wade
|
|
Friday, 20 April 2007 |
"Anyone
can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the
right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way -
this is not easy." - Aristotle (Nicomachean Ethics, II, ix, 2)
It seems all the rage these days to be angry - angry at injustice, angry at past abuses,
angry at "the system," at hypocrisy, or at anything at all. As one wag puts it, "I just hate intolerant
people!"
We have come a long way from George Washington's epic personal
struggle to contain his own substantial temper and direct it toward productive
aims, and the well tried ethic of holding your temper in order to maintain a
degree of harmony and civility within a family or community.
Nowadays, if you are not easy to anger, you are repressing
your feelings, or being dishonest by not saying how you really feel, or
building up such a backlog of unexpressed anger that one day it will blow. It is a childish attitude about anger, advocated by those on the left.
But this is not how anger works. We are not pneumatic
devices that store up pressurized feelings. We do not need to "blow off steam"
or "get the feelings out." We are living organisms that are largely guided by
the habits we practice and develop over time. If you practice getting angry all
the time, guess what? You'll become
very good at getting angry all the time.
We as a culture have been practicing this for several
decades now, and it has not been good.
Now, I also have to say that it is a good thing to know what you are feeling. Feelings are
information, they tell you something about how you are being affected by a
situation, and that information can
be very, very important. Plus, the flow of emotions at times can give you the energy and motivation
to take important action in the world.
But feelings are not wisdom, they are not understanding, and
they are not reliable guides in and of
themselves. To paraphrase Washington (who was speaking of government),
"feelings are like fire, a useful servant, but a deadly master."
Without integrating and understanding, and without being in
charge of and choosing when and how to appropriately express our feelings, they
have the ability to literally lead a person to ruin.
When I was younger, I was intrigued by the work of Wilhelm
Reich, the founder of "Character Analysis", which looked at how the expression
and repression of emotions affect a person's physical body and satisfaction in
life.
I studied several of the "emotional release" schools of body
psychotherapy that were inspired by Reich's work, and I personally got some
good things from these, including a sense of ease in my own skin, and a
familiarity and comfort with my own emotions, and those of my clients.
But there were problems, also.
One thing that I noticed was that many of my colleagues in
this work who were married or otherwise couples had a peculiar way of
communicating with each other. They often yelled, they often called each other
horrible things, and they often did this with a kind of fierceness that was
hard to reconcile with their claims of love for one another.
I remember the son of one of these friends at his fourth birthday party yelling at his
fellow four year old friend in a tone and language that was right out of a
scene from the movie "Scarface." Such
candor and emotional honesty no doubt were learned from the example of
communication skills exhibited by his parents.
My wife and I, early on, vowed never to do this with each
other, and this simple yet solemn pact has served us very well for over 15
years. We of course get angry with each other from time to time, but we never
attack the other with the intent to hurt them.
The effect of this is to contain the anger to the specific
focus of the anger - usually a misunderstanding or oversight - and so that's
all we are angry about. This makes it much easier to solve the problem,
apologize or remedy the situation if need be, and get back to whatever else is
on the agenda.
If we were to indulge in purposefully hurtful name calling,
we would add to the mix the anger at having been attacked, called names, or
otherwise humiliated. Over time such behavior takes its toll on a marriage,
draining it of the love, joy and trust that weaves the tapestry of a bond over
time. Such vitriol frays the fibers of that tapestry, and stains it with
contempt.
When you realize that it takes a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to
negative to make a successful marriage, it becomes very clear how damaging
indulging in impulsive ad-hominem attacks can be.
Every attack, every breach of trust, every humiliation needs
to be balanced with positive engagement five-fold.
That's a tall order for a small breach, much less the all-out rage attacks I
would see acted out by my colleagues.
So what were these friends of ours, intelligent people
devoted to emotional and psychological healing, doing indulging their worst
impulses toward each other?
It is what you do when you are taught and come to believe
that letting your feelings out is good and healthy, and of primary importance.
It is what comes naturally when expressing anger strong and loud is viewed as
necessary to love and intimacy. It is what happens when mistaken ideas such as
these become unquestioned doctrine.
We now know that practicing the expression of impulsive
anger doesn't make your relationship more loving and strong and healthy, it
just makes you angrier, encourages contempt, and dissolves trust.
What's more, this form of angry expression is not the strong
and effective anger that we see in the resolve of someone like George
Washington: the controlled and consciously directed anger that seeks to solve a
problem or correct a genuine injustice.
It is instead a helpless anger, a whining anger, a pleading
anger, the anger of a wronged and passive victim of felt injustice, looking for
someone else to rectify it for them.
For the past several decades, our country, coached by childishly angry liberals, has been
practicing how to throw a tantrum.
In music, in movies, on TV, there are fewer demonstrations
of resolve in the face of real injustice, and more examples of a sort of whiny,
"It's not fair," screaming. And we see this, of course, in politics as well.
A great deal of the anger at President Bush has much to do
with the belief that if things are not going your way, in this case
politically, that is a sign of great injustice, and a cause for rage at that
injustice.
This is a tantrum, "I'm gonna scream or hold my breath or
camp out at Crawford or shout down a Minute Man speaker at Columbia University
until I get my way!" I'm gonna go to Syria myself
and get my way!" "We're gonna hold back funding for the war until we get our
way!"
And just as kids will tend to give their parents the hardest
time because they know it's safe, we give our own country and its leaders the
hardest time, too.
But a tantrum has no effect without a receptive audience. We
have become a culture that panders to and coddles such behavior. We have swarms
of lawyers eager to avenge any perceived wrong claimed by any angry victim of
such an imperfect world, and legislators aching to soothe the wrathful little
darlings with scores of vindictive laws.
How do we deal with the present state of our culture without
joining in the angry melee? The old fashioned way: Don't get mad, get effective.
Such tantrums are an expression of helplessness, and
helplessness is countered with effective action.
The most useful expression of anger comes first through being in charge. You are in possession
of your feelings, not they you. Because you feel something, even something very
intensely, does not mean that you must act on them in any way. You can notice
them, feel them, even be overcome with them, but this does not require you to
do anything in response to them.
Given the first point, the next step would be to identify
what, if anything, that emotion is telling you that is useful. At that point
you can decide on a course of action that will bring an ethical solution to the
intrusion that caused the anger. In this way you can do something effective
with your feelings. In other words,
integrate your feelings with your thinking.
If your kid spilled a glass of milk, don't go screaming at
him or her for making such a mess, have them go get a towel and clean it up.
If your mate has been ignoring something that they promised
you they would do for you, don't go hollering abuses at them for being so
irresponsible and self-centered, remind them how important it is to you, and
even how angry it makes you when they don't follow through. You might even say
this loudly, but controlled anger is much more persuasive than flailing
insults.
If things are hard in Iraq, it does nobody but our enemies
any good to whine and complain at how awful it is going, or how we have lost
the war (can you believe Harry Reid actually says stuff like this?). We have to
solve the problem and engage the enemy effectively and win - as we are at
present.
If you are tired of the negative, angry, and helpless tone
of the news, don't read those papers, watch those shows, or read those internet
sites. Turn them off and read To The Point, or a good book, or get out
and do something rewarding instead.
If you have had enough of music that screams at you to do
something for them, turn it off - I can't listen to most popular music anymore.
I have kids; I heard it all when they were toddlers. It was appropriate for
them at that age; I don't need to hear it from grown men and women who ought to
know better.
As tempting as it may be to join is the fray of angry
voices, as gratifying as it may feel to read a sympathetic angry writer like
Ann Coulter, it is a stronger position to contain and direct your anger toward
productive aims.
Better yet, take a few steps back from your anger, and take
in the magnificence of creation all around you, the blessings of the good
people in and good fortune of your life, and the wonder of your very existence.
Looking at the big picture can transport a raging tempest
into the small teapot where it belongs.
This is what grown ups do. This is what many cultures
through millennia - and Western Civilization in particular - have understood
about anger. Unrestrained anger, free flowing expression of angry impulses does
not provide solutions, it creates bigger problems; it does not bring intimacy
or honesty or trust, it destroys them.
It is benevolence, forgiveness, gratitude, hope, and
optimism that form the greatest foundation for effective action. It is our job as
adults to teach our children to live from such a place, to set an example by
doing so ourselves, and to give up the childish tantrums.
NOTE:
I am now available for personal life-coaching by telephone. This service is not
psychotherapy; it is rather a way to get help in reaching your goals and
improving your life. Sessions are designed and scheduled to suit your
particular needs.
You may find out more at http://www.virtueofhappiness.com/
If you are interested, please feel free to contact me, and we can see
whether this would be helpful to you. I can be reached by e-mail at
\n
This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it
This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it
This email address is being protected from
spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it
by phone at (831) 464-3374, or in the old-fashioned way at
7960-B Soquel Drive, #157, Aptos, CA 95003
|
Discuss this item on the forums. (3 posts)
|
|
