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AL QAEDA TERRORISTS KIDNAP THE TOTUS |
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Written by To The Point News
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Friday, 12 June 2009 |
In an audacious raid Friday, al-Qaeda terrorists managed to slip past White
House security and seize President Obama's teleprompter, known as the TOTUS
(Teleprompter of the United States).
Their demands were released in a grainy video, which apparently showed the TOTUS,
bound and blindfolded but unharmed, while heavily armed masked men stood
behind it, quoting from the Koran. The content of their demands is not being
released.
President Obama, visibly shaken, attempted to address the White House press
corps on his own. "Words, uh, um, I, uh, heh-heh, well..."
"We need a verb!" shouted David Gregory of MSNBC.
"I uh, know that," quipped the president testily. "And...
I'll make sure my staff, uh, gets back with you," he resumed after
regaining his composure.
Bravely attempting to continue his speech without the teleprompter, Mr.
Obama said, "Um, let me be, uh, clear. Um, this barbaric act will not be,
you know, tolerated. And... We call on all nations to help us fi-fi-find that,
uh, you know, teleprompter. You're either with us or, um, against us."
He paused, then continued. "And... I have authorized CIA director, uh, Leon
Panetta to use, um, enhanced interrogation techniques to be e-e-employed to
help us gain, um, like facts and stuff... that these uh, you know, evildoers
may have. And... I have directed that one prisoner be executed every 30 minutes
until they-they-they restore that, uh, you know, teleprompter."
Vice President Joseph "Fightin' Joe" Biden spoke
next. "Let me at 'em!" the former senator growled. "I know where
these people work. After our helicopter was forced down in Afghanistan,
I held these thugs off for a week in bitter hand-to-hand fighting."
"You'd better mark my words," the VP went on, "the only
language these Neanderthals understand is brute force, and they're messing with
the wrong man. Sure everybody thinks we're a bunch of imbeciles up here, and
that may be true, but let me tell you, they've got another thing coming. We're
in this fight for the long haul, or as I like to say it, 'If necessary for
years, if necessary alone'."
"Until the TOTUS is found," fumed Senate majority
leader Harry Reid, we must, and we will prosecute this war to victory. I assure
the president of the full, bipartisan support of the US Senate. Defeat is not
an option."
"Why these terrorist animals aren't on the rack having
their bones slowly pulled out of their sockets is beyond me," complained
House speaker Nancy Pelosi. "I mean, I know that the 9-11 attacks were
totally inappropriate, and like all Americans I was shocked by the
environmental damage, but this latest action is beyond the pale."
"Clearly, it points to the failure of the last
administration," continued Pelosi. "Contrary to my urgings to use any
medieval form of torture they could conceive of, they insisted on being overly
concerned about the rights and humane treatment of these, these, ugh! I don't
care if I personally have to pull out their fingernails with rusty pliers! The
TOTUS must be restored to the
American people."
In the meantime, the Pentagon has cancelled all leave while anonymous sources
report that the Strategic Air Command and nuclear missile submarines have had
their level of readiness raised to DEFCON 1.
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