"As soon as special agents were close to apprehending the suspect, they unexpectedly left the area," one source confirmed. "They suddenly grew very eager to spend Christmas vacations with their families."
All we know about the "North Pole Hacker" at this time is that he has an uncanny ability to monitor even the most secret communications in order to compile his annual "naughty or nice" list, which he then cross-references - twice - with corroborative data from other sources.
"The suspect, who goes by the initials SC, usually keeps his list to himself," the FBI source said, "but this was an unprecedented year in many ways." It appears that this year the North Pole Hacker broke with his tradition and posted his "naughty or nice" findings on WikiLeaks, allegedly "so that Americans can get a good president for Christmas."
We will keep you informed as this case develops.
And wave goodbye to The PIAPS!
Cruise of a lifetime! Carnival Cruise Line announces a once in a life time opportunity: THE CRUISE INTO EXILE Aboard our magnificent 3,646 passenger liner the Carnival Dream. Travel with a star-studded group of celebrities as they leave our shores for the last time. In response to the many citizens who vowed to leave the country if Donald Trump were to be elected President, Carnival Cruise lines is providing a unique opportunity to fulfill that pledge in style. Passengers will have the opportunity to rub elbows with and be entertained by dozens of famous celebrities and performers who are also going into political exile. Premier Class travelers will be invited to dine at the Captain’s table with honorary captains Jon Stewart and Whoopi Goldberg. Non-denominational religious service will be conducted daily by the Very Reverend Al Sharpton in the Paradise Lounge. Superstars Cher, Barbra Streisand and Miley Cyrus will perform nightly in the main lounge.
Amy Schumer and Rosie O’Donnell will do stand-up comedy in the Sky Bar. Other featured guests will include Spike Lee, Bryan Cranston, Amber Rose, Samuel L. Jackson, Stephen King, Barry Diller and many, many others… among them, special guest attraction Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
For your enjoyment on election day, we present this 10 minute 44 second compilation of The Donald’s best campaign ads exposing The PIAPS’ plethora of flaws.
These are rules to live a full and savored old age. The last is the most important. But you won’t fully appreciate it until you’ve read all the others first.
- It's time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don't just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard earned capital. Enjoy the present moment. The sand in the clock may run out at any moment.
- Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren. You've taken care of them for many years, and you've taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is theirs to earn their way.
- Keep a healthy life with moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It's easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. Keep in touch with your doctor, get tested even when you're feeling well. Stay informed.
- Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then. Enjoy it together.
Determined not to be outdone by her opponent after Donald Trump announced that he had been given a Purple Heart, Hillary Clinton appeared at campaign rally wearing all of the medals she has been given by her supporters. Thanks to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals declaring that the Stolen Valor Act was unconstitutional, Hillary supporters have been able to lavish all types of military decorations on the presidential candidate, including several Purple Hearts, the Congressional Medal of Honor, Victoria Cross, Order of Lenin, and the Knights Cross with Diamonds, Swords and Oak Leaves. The news media briefly paused from their negative coverage of Donald Trump to state how presidential Hillary Clinton looks with her justly deserved medals.
A group of bigoted "biological anthropologists" from England’s Cambridge University have recently come up with a study comparing the size of a howler monkey's vocal tract and the size of his testicles.
To wit, pictures of howler monkeys must have been specifically selected to remind viewers of news footage taken at Moslem Brotherhood rallies and protests. Additionally, the researchers' snide comments further reveal their Islamophobic bias:
Looks like the FBI’s intent was to ignore the rule of law
See how easy that is?