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RONALD REAGAN’S FAVORITE IRISH JOKE

ronaldreaganIn honor of St. Patrick’s Day today, it’s only appropriate to relate Ronald Reagan’s favorite Irish joke, as he was fond of telling it with such exuberance.

An Irishman was walking along Inchydoney Beach in County Cork – Ireland’s most beautiful and not far from my ancestral village of Ballyporeen – when he came upon an old encrusted bottle washed up on the shore.

He picked it up, brushed off the sand, saw it was still stoppered and wondered what was inside.  He carefully broke it open at the neck on a beach rock, and to his great surprise out popped a Leprechaun, an Irish genie.

leprechaun“Oh me man!” the Leprechaun exclaimed.  “I was in that horrid bottle for a hundred years and you be settin’ me free!  Well, I’ll be givin’ you two wishes before I’m on m’ way!”

“Two wishes?” the Irishman asked incredulously.  “Anything I want?”

“Anything – you just name it and it’s yours,” came the answer.

The Irishman couldn’t believe his luck.  He thought for a moment, then said, “Firstly, what I’ll be wantin’ is a glass of the best Irish ale – but a very special glass!” he added quickly – that no matter how much I drink it will always be full.”

Poof!  There was a glass in his hand overflowing with Irish Red Ale.  He took a sip – it was the best beer he’d ever had in his life.  He drank and he drank and he drank, and five minutes later he hadn’t made a dent, the glass was still overflowing with Irish Red.

But by now the Leprechaun was getting impatient.  “Listen me man!” he chastised.  “I appreciate you settin’ me free and all, but I was in that bottle for far too long, I’ve got things to do, so you’ll be makin’ your second wish now!”

The Irishman thought good and hard.  Finally he made his decision.  He held up his overflowing magic glass, looked at it admiringly, and told the Leprechaun, “Ya know – I think I’ll have another one of these!”

There’s no doubt about it – God loves the Irish.

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A GENIUS AD FOR DENTAL FLOSS

You just started work for an advertising agency and your boss has given you your first assignment:  come up with an ad for Colgate dental floss.

“Show me what you’ve got,” he says.  “I want something ingeniously clever,” he says.  For dental floss??

You retreat to your desk in a panic, wondering how many fingers of Famous Grouse would it take to think of anything clever about dental floss.  And all you’ve got is coffee and plain water, no FG.  You stare at your computer screen. 

After a while, you come up with three photos, each of a smiling couple.  You entitle the ad What Do You See?  At the bottom, the ad says, “Colgate Dental Floss – for if you don’t floss, it’s the only thing people will notice!”

You show it to your boss.  He studies the three photos, puzzled.  “What’s so clever about this?” he asks dismissively.  “Three guys with food in their teeth, so what?”  Quietly, you request he look at the pictures again: 

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WHO REALLY HACKED THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

who-hacked-electionsThe FBI was able to track the DNC hack to an IP address located somewhere close to the North Pole, but sources close to the investigation said the trail had grown cold.

"As soon as special agents were close to apprehending the suspect, they unexpectedly left the area," one source confirmed. "They suddenly grew very eager to spend Christmas vacations with their families."

All we know about the "North Pole Hacker" at this time is that he has an uncanny ability to monitor even the most secret communications in order to compile his annual "naughty or nice" list, which he then cross-references - twice - with corroborative data from other sources.

"The suspect, who goes by the initials SC, usually keeps his list to himself," the FBI source said, "but this was an unprecedented year in many ways." It appears that this year the North Pole Hacker broke with his tradition and posted his "naughty or nice" findings on WikiLeaks, allegedly "so that Americans can get a good president for Christmas."

We will keep you informed as this case develops.

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THE CRUISE INTO EXILE

Carnival Dream CruiseCruise of a lifetime! Carnival Cruise Line announces a once in a life time opportunity: THE CRUISE INTO EXILE Aboard our magnificent 3,646 passenger liner the Carnival Dream. Travel with a star-studded group of celebrities as they leave our shores for the last time. In response to the many citizens who vowed to leave the country if Donald Trump were to be elected President, Carnival Cruise lines is providing a unique opportunity to fulfill that pledge in style. Passengers will have the opportunity to rub elbows with and be entertained by dozens of famous celebrities and performers who are also going into political exile. Premier Class travelers will be invited to dine at the Captain’s table with honorary captains Jon Stewart and Whoopi Goldberg. Non-denominational religious service will be conducted daily by the Very Reverend Al Sharpton in the Paradise Lounge.  Superstars Cher, Barbra Streisand and Miley Cyrus will perform nightly in the main lounge.

Amy Schumer and Rosie O’Donnell will do stand-up comedy in the Sky Bar. Other featured guests will include Spike Lee, Bryan Cranston, Amber Rose, Samuel L. Jackson, Stephen King, Barry Diller and many, many others… among them, special guest attraction Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

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22 RULES FOR A GOOD OLD AGE

These are rules to live a full and savored old age.  The last is the most important.  But you won’t fully appreciate it until you’ve read all the others first.

  1. It's time to use the money you saved up.  Use it and enjoy it.  Don't just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it.  Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard earned capital.  Enjoy the present moment. The sand in the clock may run out at any moment.
  2. Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren. You've taken care of them for many years, and you've taught them what you could.  You gave them an education, food, shelter and support.  The responsibility is theirs to earn their way.
  3. Keep a healthy life with moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep.  It's easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy.  Keep in touch with your doctor, get tested even when you're feeling well.   Stay informed.
  4. Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other.  The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner.  One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then.  Enjoy it together.

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HILLARY TRUMPS DONALD

HillarysMedalsDetermined not to be outdone by her opponent after Donald Trump announced that he had been given a Purple Heart, Hillary Clinton appeared at campaign rally wearing all of the medals she has been given by her supporters. Thanks to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals declaring that the Stolen Valor Act was unconstitutional, Hillary supporters have been able to lavish all types of military decorations on the presidential candidate, including several Purple Hearts, the Congressional Medal of Honor, Victoria Cross, Order of Lenin, and the Knights Cross with Diamonds, Swords and Oak Leaves. The news media briefly paused from their negative coverage of Donald Trump to state how presidential Hillary Clinton looks with her justly deserved medals.

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ISLAMOPHOBIA IN THE AMAZON

News Alert:

An Islamophobic study finds that howler monkeys scream louder when they have smaller testicles

SlamphobicmonkeyA group of bigoted "biological anthropologists" from England’s Cambridge University have recently come up with a study comparing the size of a howler monkey's vocal tract and the size of his testicles.

To wit, pictures of howler monkeys must have been specifically selected to remind viewers of news footage taken at Moslem Brotherhood rallies and protests. Additionally, the researchers' snide comments further reveal their Islamophobic bias:

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