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Washington, DC. A child has grown up not how you envisioned? An elderly parent becoming a burden? You need to consider a post-birth abortion! Scientists at the Barack Obama Women’s Health Research Center have made an epic advancement in women’s health, and the right to choose.

Scientists have developed a method to allow abortions past the third trimester, as explained by the project’s lead scientist, Dr. Hillary Sanders:

“Until now, women were limited to aborting only their own fetus, and only during the first three trimesters before birth. Our laboratory has pioneered the use of cloning human uterine epithelium and skin to create an external uterus we like to call the Membrane Uterus for Reclaiming Detrimental and Annoying Humans, or MURDAH Bag for short.”

The new method allows to clone and grow the MURDAH Bag in a lab from the woman’s own cells, and surgically attach it to her via a small tag on the sleeping bag-sized external uterus. Any post-third-trimester “fetus” of any age or relationship can simply be inserted into the bag, and after returning to the clinic, Dr. Hillary Sanders will exercise the woman’s choice and dispose of the contents. The MURDAH Bag is then removed and, after thorough cleaning and removal of any fetal remains, the woman is free to use it again.

When probed on the ethics of such an invention, Dr. Sanders replied:

“I see no ethical dilemma. Law allows that fetus within a woman’s body may simply be removed and disposed of. As we firmly believe in choice, along with reusing and recycling, we do harvest the fetus for further biomedical research. We do not profit off of these transactions like a greedy corporation would, but simply collect as much as we can in order to pay our laboratory and clinic overhead, along with our own generous salaries.”

As expected, opinions on Capitol Hill fall strictly along party lines, with Democrat leaders and presidential hopefuls applauding this leap forward in women’s health and removing the last barriers to the right to choose, while recalcitrant conservatives and their non-serious presidential candidates callously deny the real progress this advancement in science has given to humanity.

Molotov Mimosa is an investigative journalist for The People’s Cube.