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MUHAMMAD RESIGNS AS PROPHET AMID SEXUAL ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS

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muhammad-resigns-as-prophetOn the heels of this week’s resignation of Karl Marx as leading figure in the communist movement due to allegations of sexual misconduct, the triggered social justice organizers of the #MeToo collective have claimed the scalp of another progressive icon.

At a press conference, supported by her family and lawyers, a woman named Aisha claimed that she was taken as a bride by Mr. Muhammad when she was nine years old. When asked why it took so long for her to come out, she stated that she feared nobody would believe her since the testimony of a woman is not worth a lot in her social circle. The crying woman also confessed that Mr. Muhammad used to beat her when she displeased him, and she feared physical retribution.

Mr. Beelzebub, the lawyer representing the accused prophet, denied the gravity of the accusations, saying that “everyone was doing it at the time,” and that his client “did not remember the situation in quite the same way.”

But later that day more stories emerged from other victims, encouraged by Aisha’s testimony and resulting in the viral #MuhammadToo campaign on Twitter.

The first ones to come out were members of a Muslim Boy Scout group, who claimed that Mr. Muhammad ordered their fathers to beat them if they refused to pray. They were followed by a slave girl who was a victim of sex trafficking and claimed that the Prophet of Islam was present while she was being gang-raped shortly after his companions captured her and turned her into a sex slave.

These revelations led the Grand Imam of Al-Azhar, the prestigious Islamic university in Cairo, to issue a statement, calling on Mr. Muhammad to step aside. “I’ve struggled with this decision because he’s been a good Prophet, and I consider him a friend,” the statement said. “But that cannot excuse his behavior and his mistreatment of women.”

Reacting to pressure from colleagues and the media, Mr. Muhammad called a press conference and declared that after a good deal of soul-searching and consulting with his family members and lawyers, he finally made the tough decision to step down as prophet – a move that many in the Muslim community saw as a shock, followed by a sudden sense of relief.

The first world leader to respond was the Grand Ayatollah Khamenei of Iran. “I consider Mr. Muhammad a dear friend and respect his accomplishments, but he has a higher obligation to his believers,” Mr. Khamenei said in a short statement. “Now that his legacy is tainted beyond repair, I call for the immediate dissolution of Islam as an ideology and a political movement. We are making preparations to convert the Islamic Republic of Iran back to Zoroastrianism immediately. Praise Zarathustra.”

Worldwide, Muslims are now discovering further evidence of Mr. Muhammad’s past misdeeds in the Islamic holy texts, which has remained overlooked for 14 centuries, despite having been reproduced in millions of copies, written or printed in black ink on white paper.

“If only I had known!” cried King Salman of Saudi Arabia, who spoke on behalf of the world’s majority of Muslims. “Now that I’m reading the Quran more thoroughly, I’m suddenly finding all kinds of sexual misconduct and other improper behavior. All this talk about killing apostates, terrorism, and torture. Who could have guessed? He seemed like such a nice gentleman.”

King Salman has not yet made a decision on what new replacement religion he will impose on his country, but insiders have indicated he is “showing an interest in Judaism.”

People in the Palestinian territories of Gaza and the West Bank celebrated the resignation today by dancing in the streets and passing out candy to children. Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas, also known as Abu Mazen, insisted that from now on he wanted to be known only as “Mr. Mo” and described the new faith of his people as “officially atheist.”

With no more reason for strife and jihad to continue, Mr. Mo set up a telephone call with Israel’s PM Benjamin Netanyahu, proposing to start negotiations about the incorporation of the territories previously controlled by the PLO and HAMAS into the state of Israel. “Because after all,” the PLO leader explained, “their army has hotter chicks.”

Linda Sarsour was seen entering a nunnery. According to inside sources, she will henceforth be known as “Sister Linda of the Sacred Heart.” The abbess declined an interview, saying only that “Sister Linda has taken a vow of silence, to atone for her sins. Leave her alone. She has suffered enough.”

The website The Religion of Peace, known to keep track of jihad terror worldwide, has acknowledged a complete lack of new material since Mr. Muhammad’s resignation and announced that it will probably have to shut down. “The world seems to have suddenly become a less violent and a much safer place,” their editorial stated, asking readers to contact them if they find a reasonable explanation for this phenomenon.

Manufacturers of real news, CNN and BBC, were quick to point out that this newfound tranquility should not make us jump to conclusions, stressing that “world peace has nothing to do with the disappearance of Islam, and saying otherwise makes one a bigoted racist or maybe even a Trump supporter.”

 

The People’s Cube journalist reporting this story must remain anonymous for reasons of personal safety.